Man I really hate being single. Some of you might scoff at that sentiment, but what you don’t realize is that I’ve been single all my life. I’m approaching my mid-twenties, but I’ve never been in anything that even resembled a romantic relationship. No girlfriend, no boyfriend, no nothing. I’ve always hid behind and overplayed my shy and quiet demeanor to explain my lack of girlfriend to my loved ones. Add to this my nerdish nature (again a gross over-exaggeration) and it would be probably a surprise to those around me if I had had a girlfriend. I’ve had a few close female friends that my parents assumed that I liked or was dating, and I again I’ve always played into those assumptions.
By now, I’ve realized that I’m primarily into the dudes and have spent the last couple of years trying to explore that aspect. It’s been a very frustrating experience and time and time again, I’ve asked myself ‘what am I doing wrong?’ Until now, I haven’t been able to figure out why I haven’t had any male on male relationships, but here’s what I’ve finally come up with.
1. I’m not out. My thinking is that it’s easier for straight people to get in and out of relationships because it’s easy for them to be upfront about their feelings. Same with gay people who are out. They are upfront about their sexuality, so they get more people coming at them. Compare this to someone like me on the DL. I want dudes to holla, but they don’t know I like dudes, so they don’t come at me.
2. I don’t look like a model. I’m cute, but I’m no Boris Kodjoe. I don’t have this sick body or anything like that. I’ve dealt with dudes in the past that were good-looking enough that other supposedly ’straight’ dudes would take a risk and try to holla at them. I’m not stunningly good-looking, so no one has ever tried to come at me like that. It’s possible that they liked me, but didn’t find me good-looking enough to take the risk of telling me.
3. Maybe I’m too dark. I hate to bring up colorism, but it’s alive and well among black people. I’ve noticed that black gay men seem to have this obsession with light skin. The lighter you are, the more attractive you’re perceived to be. Some might argue, but I have observed this many, many, many times. I’ve often thought that if I were lighter, I’d probably have a much better love life. I used to be really proud of my dark skin color (black don’t crack!) but now it’s just makes me insecure.
4. I rely on the internet. Because I’m not out, I don’t go to gay clubs and don’t have enough courage to holla at guys in public, I’ve resorted to using sites like BGC and adam4adam, with disappointing and disastrous results. I don’t want to go into all the drama, heartache and compromising situations I’ve put myself in, but I will say that the internet is the last place you should go if you’re looking for a black dude looking for a meaningful connection with another black dude. Recently, I’ve deleted my profiles from those sites and don’t plan on getting back on any time soon.
5. I’m too educated. I’m not an elitist (I hate them) and have never bragged about the fact that I’m in college, have a pretty good vocabulary and like to have deep conversations. I don’t look down on anyone and just ask that you be a decent person, be you a thug, gangsta, nigga, nerd, ostrich or whatever. However, I’ve met several black men who have been intimidated by my intelligence and even tried to put me down because of it. It’s usually the fake thugs and the fake-thug-enthusiasts that act like that.
6. I’m only into black dudes. This, of course, limits my options. I’ve actually become open to the idea of dating a non-black dude, but I’m hesitant because I don’t want someone to be obsessed with my “big black cock” or to fetishize me in any other way. Yuck.
It’s great that I realize what may be holding me back, but it’s also incredibly frustrating at the same time. Virtually of these things are either unchangeable or would require some excessive sacrifice to change. So where do I go from here? Quite frankly, I’m not really sure. The only thing that I can think of is if I start working out and get into really good shape, I might be perceived as more attractive and therefore have a better shot. That sounds really silly and simplistic, but again, it’s the only thing I can think of. What do you guys think?
